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I say it so loud that it visibly startles him. “If you don’t back the fuck off of me, I am going to scream so bloody loud, everyone in this party will know what you’re up to.” And I do scream this time. I can feel his erection through his board shorts while tears begin to blur my vision. He pushes harder and begins to lean his body into mine. I’m not going to do whatever it is you think I’m going to do.” I say his name, though, because I think I read somewhere that when you say the name of your attacker, it reminds them of a human connection, that you are a human, you have value this is not okay.
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But they would never happen to me, in my tiny town, with someone I knew. I, of course, knew these things happened. Up until this point in my life, I had never understood rape in the true sense of the word. These are the desperate thoughts that I’m grasping at as I realize what is happening. Maybe, though, the neighbours who are probably sleeping in the next house over might hear. Scream? The music is so loud, no one would hear me. Kick him in the balls? No, he’s got a strong hand holding my shoulder that could quickly move to my neck, mouth or head. I am five foot nothing there’s no way I could jump that thing. Behind me, there is an 8-foot tall fence. He is blocking the exit, leading to the backyard party. It’s more like a whimper - a dream-scream where despite your greatest efforts, you cannot raise your voice loud enough to alert the police officer or fireman of the imminent danger you face. This is made clear by the way his heavy hand presses down on my shoulder, forcefully pushing my body down down down as if gravity has become ten times stronger than it really is.
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Now a hateful young man is standing before me and demanding something that I simply cannot provide. The sweet guy from moments before is gone. “It’s not funny, you stunned cunt,” He spits. At this point, it seems like my only defence to the situation. This must be some gag he’s pulling because Trevor would never do this to a girl. The bitterness is dripping off of his tongue. “What? You think you get it for free?” he says. I turn to walk away, and that’s when I feel his hand clench tightly down on my wrist. We chat casually and joke the way new friends do when trying to get a grasp on one another.Īs Trevor puts out the joint on the bottom of his shoe, I say, “Well, thanks, man. We find a quiet little nook beside the house and lite up.
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None of this occurred to me because he deep-seated introvert that I am constantly trying to cover up with jokes and cute mini skirts is rearing her head, screaming, “You need to get the F away from all these strangers!” I should have wondered why, when dozens of other people were lighting up, Trevor felt it was too generous to do so. I don’t want everyone thinking they can get in on this,” He replied a little too quickly.Īt this point, I should have noticed the way he was looking me up and down. “Go?” I began, “We have to go somewhere to smoke it?” “Hey, you wanna go smoke this, J?” He asked. “Yeah! Man, am I glad to see you, I didn’t know anyone here!” “Oh hey, Kam, right?” he asked, holding a beer up in a makeshift wave. “Trev! Hey, how goes it?” I said a little too loudly. I hadn’t known a single person at the party, so finding anyone I was familiar with was relieving to say the least - I no longer had to feel like the loser in the corner. Both times with his cousin, Kay, who I am friends with from school. In truth, we’ve only ever hung out twice. I’m standing in the narrow alleyway between the house and a fence with a boy called Trevor who is a few years older than me. I am 14 years old, and the booming noise of a house party surrounds me.